OPENING SCENE: A patient is lying unconscious in a hospital ICU. The camera pans down to follow the plastic tubing from his catheter, flowing and bubbling bodiliy fluids into a plastic tank.
DR.HOUSE: "The drug addict . . . is peeing blood."
CUT SCENE: A med school class where Dr. House is lecturing. He looks at a handful of yellow crayons, chooses one and begins coloring in a coloring book.
DR.HOUSE: "How do they teach you to tell someone that they're dying?"
(Blank looks from students wearing white coats.)
DR.HOUSE: "It's kinda like teaching architects how to explain why their building fell down."
(Continues coloring book)
"Do you role play at stuff?"
STUDENT: "Yeah. One of us gives the bad news, and one of us gets the bad news."
DR.HOUSE: "What do you have to do to get an A in - You're Dying 101? Do they grade you on gentleness and supportiveness? Is there a scale for measuring compassion?"
(Changes crayons)
" This buddy of mine . . . I gotta give him ten bucks every time someone says thank you. Imagine that. This guy's so good, people thank him for telling them they're dying.
(Looks at crayon, exchanges it for another)
"It's brown . . . I don't get thanked that often."
CUT SCENE: House is standing at the patient's bedside.
DR.HOUSE: "You're dying."
(Patient shows concerned look)
DR.HOUSE: "In a few hours. There's nothing we can do except deal with the pain."
PATIENT: "Well, I need to go home."
DR.HOUSE: "You're not going home."
PATIENT: "But my dog . . . what will happen to my dog?"
CUT SCENE: Two Drs. Wilson and Cameron are doing an MRI.
DR.CAMERON: "Her neck looks clean . . . no adenoma."
CUT SCENE: Back to the classroom.
STUDENT: "Wait, wait, wait . . . the guy's dying and all he cares about is his dog?"
DR.HOUSE: "Any of you guys go the dog route in your . . . improv sessions?"
(Another student gives a quizzical look)
DR.HOUSE: "It's a basic truth of the human condition . . . that everybody lies. The only variable is about what. The hard thing about telling someone they're dying is that . . . it tends to focus their prioritites. You find out what matters to them. What they're willing to die for. WHAT THEY'RE WILLING TO LIE FOR.
Three years of law school, five years of government work, five years of corporate work, twenty years of self-employment, and the good doctor summarized it all in a YT video. You do know the character is based on detective Sherlock Holmes, don't you?
YOU'RE WELCOME.
I'd love to elaborate, but I have a lot of catching up to do, and a BIG trip to take this November. We're out of the golf headcovers game, so it's an economic reboot.
Also, I have a new handle on X : @Musical_Jurist ...
Stay tuned, fellow boomers, millenials, and genners X-Y-Z.
No joke. We've only just begun.
